The inspiration for this post came from watching two Youtube personalities that I stumbled on today.
First one was a tall, handsome guy with a body straight out of Hollywood. Connor Murphy. Clearly a man, who has a lot of time to spend in the gym and has made it his lifestyle to do. He looks impressive, I’ll admit. His videos are of him taking off his shirt in public in front of women and then those women would throw themselves at him to give him their number. Classy.
The next one was someone calling himself Tyler Durden, a pick-up artist – someone who’s made a career out of teaching others how to pick up women. And in his video you see him making women attracted to him at the nightclub through telling them things like “I know a dirty little whore, when I see one”. Which yes. Surprisingly. It works quite well and the women follow him home.
And I found myself asking, how did we get to a place, where this is the kind of people we idolize and where literally millions of guys are learning that this is the way to go about dating?
Growing up, I didn’t actually have a difficult time getting women interested in me. Looking back I remember being quite popular actually, probably because I was a bit of a bad boy (and devilishly charming too of course). My problem wasn’t whether women found me interesting or not, but it was my own self-belief that held me back.
More precisely this belief: “I am not worthy of love.”
That was just the belief I’d had brought with me from home and so I didn’t think it was possible that anyone would ever want me.
I knew that I wanted to find someone to share my life with. I wanted a healthy relationship with someone that I could love. And I desperately wanted that love, that I didn’t feel worthy of.
But my belief held me back. So much so that when women were making moves towards me, I simply couldn’t see it or refused to believe it. The story in my head was that there’s no way they could possible want me as I am or accept me for who I am, because I’m just not worthy of love.
So the solution for me was to go into the dating scene and start learning about pick-up arts. Basically the art of how to have success in dating. To figure out how I could make myself attractive. And so I got to work on trying to change myself into someone, worthy of being loved.
Which was quite a journey… A story for another day though, as this post it is about how that journey changed me both in a good way and in a bad way.
I used to subscribe to the ideas and teachings of people like the two I mentioned before, Connor and Tyler. I spent years on learning as much as possible about what to say, how to act and who to be to pick up women. I spent a lot of energy and time on developing myself in that direction, so that I too would become someone that women would want to be with…
And it worked. I could easily go to the night club and pick up women, no problem. I could have easily taken home a new woman every night, if that’s what I wanted. I could play the game.
I had found these mentors, who talked about how many attractive women they could get. That was what was important to them. That’s what they valued. And those beliefs spread out into the friendships I would form back then, where it was also about getting laid and picking up the next one.
It was about the status of it. It was about sex. It felt empty as hell.
And that was a problem. It wasn’t what I wanted and it wasn’t the reason I got into it. And it felt empty.
So I unconsciously rejected it. I had tried the one-night stands and found that they’re not worth it… It’s so meaningless. It doesn’t actually make you feel good, at least not for long or for the right reasons, so I don’t do it. For me, sex is about intimacy and being open with one another. It’s about trust and a deeper connection. It’s a human experience which typically doesn’t form just after a few drinks and some cocky pick-up lines on a night out. And so it’s happened more than once where I didn’t feel that connection and I simply ended up walking away before closing the deal.
Which is really not the most typical behavior for a guy…
Because in today’s society and especially with some of the mentors, I’d found, then a “real man” is a hunter who hooks up with as many hot women as possible. That’s what’s cool. That’s what you’re supposed to do. Just listen to one of the mainstream rap songs and you’ll see what I mean. That’s why Connor and Tyler are so popular on Youtube.
And that’s what I’d been taught, even as a kid, by lesser rolemodels that “the more you bang, the better it is!” and I’d bought into that idea. But I couldn’t do it, because it just didn’t feel good.
But guess how that made me feel about myself that I couldn’t live up to those standards and values?
Even less worthy of love than I did before…
Which brought me to the realization. It didn’t matter how much I tried to improve or change myself. It was never going to fix the fundamental problem. That I didn’t think I was worthy of love. That I had never learned to accept myself as I am and love myself as I am.
So I set out to figure out how to do so (another story for another day).
And when I learned that “I am worthy of love” and to accept myself as I am 100% and to love myself, I realized something profound…
I had bought into the values of narcissistic douchebags, who got their self worth and status in life from saying “Look at all the women, I’ve been banging. Just look at how hot I am. Everyone wants me.”
And with social media the way it is today, it’s gotten easier than ever to get lost in this way of thinking… “Just look at all the likes, I’m getting!”
But those are not my values.
That’s not what I care about at all. And to be honest, I’m pretty damn sick and tired of how much sex is blown out of proportion in today’s society and how much value is placed on looks. It’s even worse for women who are constantly exposed to body-shaming advertisements and photoshopped images.
It’s just a fucking body. Don’t judge a book by its cover. Because the truth is, that those who do it best, those who really know how to play the game and who always look their absolute best, the people we tend to idolize – well quite often, the reason they’re so good at it, is because that’s the only thing they’re interested in. Themselves and their appearance. That’s what they value.
Is that really what you want?
What do you actually want?
Because there’s more to life than yourself, your looks and your status.
But if we’re not clear on our own values and trust our own judgement, then it’s very easy to take on those of our teachers, mentors or idols. And if those teachers, mentors or idols are unhealthy individuals, ie. narcissistic, then so too will we become unhealthy like them.
I am grateful for everything I learned by going into the dating game. It’s taught me how to be a better speaker, a better socializer, a better salesman and in a lot of ways, it taught me how to be a better person as well, because I got to work on myself and develop who I am.
But I’m done with being anything but myself. I’m done pretending and playing games. I’ve left the tricks behind me. Because I love myself too much to want to be anyone else on this planet.
So from here on out, I do what I want and what I feel is right. And if it goes against my teachers, mentors, idols, society, parents or whatever else, then I’ll just smile and say “I’m following my heart and I’m happy. That’s what matters to me.”
What are you following? 🙂