”I don’t want to be on this planet any longer”
Something I’ve told myself more times than I can count. Something I’ve told myself on a regular basis. Something that I got used to telling myself.
That was my shit…
I guess the simplest explanation would be bad programming.
From my childhood, education and my relationships.
At home I’d been taught that what I wanted, that my needs and who I was wasn’t important. I was just a cog in the wheel for everyone else to spin with and use for their agenda. It wasn’t valuable what I had to say or what I had to offer. And so I learned not to think about myself but focus all my attention on the needs of everyone else.
In school I was taught that what I could do and the person I was didn’t fit in. I was too distracting, too noisy, too energetic, too much and because I stood out with my hair, I was treated differently by classmates and bullied. I was taught not to be myself but to try to fit into the box that I was being put in.
And because I was trying to fit myself into a box, later on I also made friends who fitted me into that box and helped keep me there. Not all of them of course, I’ve luckily been blessed with some amazing people in my life, who’ve helped me break out of that box. But for a long time, the relationships I had and the way the people close to me treated me, fitted with the box I had been put into.
I’ll admit, it was a pretty shitty box, all things considered.
When your needs don’t matter and when you don’t matter, then life tends to lose its flavor and that’s what happened to me. And so life didn’t seem worth living for a very long time.
I’m a stubborn motherfucker. And I wasn’t gonna give up that easily.
So I took ownership of all of it. I took ownership of that box I was in. I took ownership of the labels put on me. I took ownership of anything, everything and everyone in my life, which eventually also included myself. Luckily! Because all of a sudden I realized and I saw, that the box I was in, was just a box that I had been put in. I didn’t have to stay in it.
And so I broke that box. In fact looking back at my life, I’ve broken several boxes. And I’ll probably keep breaking boxes until the day I die.
Because the truth is…
I do not fit into any box.
Neither do you. We’re born a unique damned snowflake, just like everyone else on this planet. All 7 billion of us. Now pardon the elicit language, but you think you’re gonna come into this world as the fastest little sperm cell out of 200-500 million sperm cells out of each and every time your parents did the naughty – and it still ended up with just you, despite all those odds, with your specific genetic makeup – and you think you’re gonna fit into some box?
Sorry my dear, but that’s not happening. You’re fucking special whether you know it or not. So own that shit and be yourself. Break that box if you must.
Because on the other side of it, when you’re free of the labels, boxes and whatever else constraints, there’s freedom to be yourself and just have fun. To love your life and enjoy every moment of it.
That’s where I am today, where every day is an adventure, every week something new happens, changes and transforms in my life and every month feels like a lifetime in experiences. When you’re in that place, when you’re in that state of being, time truly is relative and this quote couldn’t be more fitting:
I love my life today.
I feel like I’m living in a movie and every day is an adventure.
I love it. Every single aspect and part of it. Even the hard stuff that keeps me up at night and hurts like hell. Because it’s all mine. It’s everything I want to do and it’s exactly what I want to be. I’m living my life and my dreams and I don’t give a damn about what boxes, labels or constraints are being put on me by the world, others or even myself.
Because I know it won’t be long before I’d break out of them too…