Haven’t we all heard it before?
Don’t make excuses, don’t tell me any bullshit stories, just get it done – no excuses.
On my journey in self-development this was probably one of the first things I learned and it stuck with me. No excuses. No matter what it is, don’t make excuses. I found bosses in work and mentors, who would tell me the same thing:
“Don’t give me any excuses, just get it done.”
So I did.
And I got really good at it. I got it done, no excuses.
Even if I was in a terrible mood, I would get it done.
Even if I hadn’t slept, I would get it done.
Even if I had no money left, I would get it done.
Even if I had no energy left in my whole body, I would get it done.
Even if I had a sick body, bleeding internally, I would get it done.
Even if I was falling apart, I would get it done.
Even if I had fallen apart, I would still get it done.
I’m finishing up my 31 day detox of what I called my love addiction. Seeking external validation and love outside myself. Those 31 days were a culmination of more than a decade of healing and growth to figure out how to deal with the trauma of my past.
See when I was very young I decided it was my responsibility how my life would turn out, no excuses.
And I’ve been going forwards fearlessly as someone who had nothing to lose and unstoppably as someone who had no other way. And that’s exactly how I felt. So I did the work. No excuses.
Now these 31 days of detoxing turned out to primarily consist of me setting boundaries and leaving behind a lot of toxic people, I’d had in my life and had allowed in my life for a very long time… It was a difficult process, but absolutely necessary and looking back now, I ask myself:
• Why would I allow people in my life, who would not respect me?
• Why would I allow people in my life, who would not support me?
• Why would I allow people in my life, who would work against me?
• Why would I allow people in my life, who would abuse me?
• Why would I allow people in my life, who despite my very literally and directly telling them “Please stop what you’re doing, you’re hurting me and causing me injury” would continue their behavior unphased and without apology?
Did I think so little of myself as to think I deserved such treatment?
For a long period of my life. Yes. That is what I thought I deserved and therefore allowed it.
Recently however, no. That’s not why I was letting them stay in my life.
I had been making excuses.
Over and over again.
Not for myself. Oh no. I took it all with a smile on my face; I accepted the judgments, criticisms and the abuse. I took responsibility for it and did what I could to change my side of it, no excuses.
But where I had been making excuses was for the people perpetrating the abusive behavior…
“Oh if only I gave a little more…”, “If only they knew what I knew…”, “If only they could see things as I see them…”, “If only they had a different childhood…”, “If only they saw the world a little differently…”, “If only they would change, just a little bit…”, “If only I could save them…” and on and on I went with the excuses.
Making excuses for their abusive behavior.
Until it finally hit me.
I’d been making excuses for years and years for some people, because of how hard their lives had been… Because I cared about them… Because I loved them… But I realized, I’d had just as tough a life and sometimes even worse, and I didn’t have a single excuse for anything in my life and I never let my past be an excuse for my behavior. I’ve taken responsibility for all of it and worked on changing it, and if I’ve ever stepped wrong, I’ve done everything in my power to rectify the situation afterwards.
But if I can do it, why not them?
And why was I so busy making excuses and trying to save people, who clearly weren’t interested in being saved?
That’s not my fucking responsibility and I’m done making excuses. For myself and others.
So what does this mean?
It means that for the people, who’d gotten used to me making excuses for their behavior and despite whatever abusive behavior they brought with them, still being able to come for me still for love and support.
To you I say: “Tough love my dear, you’re shit out of luck here, because I’m done making excuses.”
And to those who actually want help, who want to change, improve, grow and who don’t want me making excuses for them, but actually would like to live an even better life – I welcome you with open arms.
Let’s make our worlds a little better to live in first for ourselves and second for those in our lives.